Formosa Gunpowder
Just as gunpowder has instigated violent conflicts all across the world for centuries, the Formosa Gunpowder tea at College Hill Coffee Co. initiated a violent riot of sensual conflict in my mouth, nostrils, and eyes that will continue to rage for centuries to come. The complex flavor explosion of Formosa Gunpowder triggered a multifaceted sensual reaction in my mouth as my taste buds rifled through a multitude of possible flavors presented by the tea, finally settling on a hodgepodge mixture of tea-tasting pleasure. Perhaps I had jumped the gun by downing the first cup without adding any sugar; the tea fired a shot of flavor intensity that hit me like a bullet, and I was unarmed and unprepared to do anything about it. Adding some sugar took some of the edge off the cold, hard steel of flavor concentration, and after that I was able to greatly enjoy my Second Amendment right to drink Formosa Gunpowder tea.
Rating Scale:
Color: resembled the well-preserved wood of a Lee Enfield rife
Type: Green
Caffeine Content: this tea was packing some serious heat!
Smell (1-10): aggressive
Taste (1-10): belligerent
Good With: sugar, muskets, cannons
Time of Day Best to Drink: immediately before/after hunting
Texture: powdery and explosive
Price: $2.08 (including tax) at College Hill Coffee Co. in Cincinnati, OH
Note: I was a bit under the gun when writing this review because I was well past deadline, so I apologize that my critiques did not make much sense and served only as a vessel for a few poorly thought out puns regarding firearms. Shoot me.
Dear Mr. Edzio,
ReplyDeleteAlthough this review would undoubtedly be laudable at a local library poetry reading, it serves as a poor aid for those seeking legitimate descriptors of the tea you are detailing. For example, I imagine it may be difficult for someone to relate such a word as "belligerent" to a cup of tea because of the ambiguous nature of the term in regards to armed conflict (a belligerent act of noble intention, or perhaps a belligerent attack of despicable quality?). I can only ask that next time you will be considerate enough to perhaps chose a lexicon more becoming of a supposed tea "aficionado" like yourself. Please do not take this critique in a distasteful manner, but rather in a correcting paternal demeanor. Enjoy the rest of your life.
Sincerestly,
Dr. Taís Ti-Tee
My esteemed colleague, Dr. Taís Ti-Tee,
ReplyDeleteYou claim that the word “belligerent” is ambiguous in regards to armed conflict. Yet “belligerent” refers specifically to an act characterized by hostility or aggression, a very precise meaning that could not plausibly apply to “a belligerent act of noble intention” without at the same time referring to “a belligerent attack of despicable quality.” I presume that a man of your stature and education is not a disciple of hostility; thus, I am amazed that you could claim such a preposterous connotation of this word.
However, regardless of how the term applies to armed conflict, I believe it is the ideal descriptor of the tea’s flavor. Rather than ranking the taste of tea on a meaningless, subjective scale of 1-10 (as your colleague Mr. Herbata-lovers appears to be fond of doing), I choose to preach the true flavor of the beverage and allow the individual connoisseur to decide for himself or herself how much he or she enjoys this flavor.
I do appreciate, nevertheless, your high praises of the poetic merit of my review. It makes me weep with joy that I am able to provide society with informative critiques about tea while at the same time beautifying the world with my poetry.
Forever yours in sincerity,
Herbert T. Liptonchai
P.S. I have some doubts regarding the legitimacy of your title, "Doctor" Ti-Tee. I would be much obliged if you would provide some form of proof of your academic accreditation.
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